How The Other Half Lives
by Save Fearow
Summary: Ickis and Oblina have only recently met, but they know they'll never be friends. One little assignment is not going to change that.


How The Other Half Lives

an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: They were roommates before they were friends. Here Oblina gets her first glimpse into Ickis' vulnerability and the origins of some of his more neurotic traits.

Oblina sighed as the trio of monsters entered their dorm room. "I must admit, I am a trifle disappointed in the Gromble for picking such a cliched introductory topic. Do a presentation on your family tree, honestly, it's almost TOO easy an assignment."

"Easy for you to say, YOUR dad isn't the Great Slickis." Ickis complained.

"So you keep reminding us." Oblina spat back. "And incidentally, you are wrong in your analysis of your family situation. You may declare that you 'resemble' Slickis, although the point is debatable, but you cannot be a 'reincarnation' of him, as your father has not predeceased you." she loftily explained.

Ickis' jaw dropped. "That's what that means?" he asked incredulously. "Oh why didn't anyone tell me this before?"

"Perhaps they enjoyed seeing you fall flat on your face just as I much as I did." she suggested with an impish smile.

"You are such a- a- stick in the mud! No, wait, I can do better! You are a stick with lips, and that's all you'll ever be to me!" he angrily retorted.

"Ooh, la. The lazy bunny is mocking MY appearance. I don't know if my self-esteem will ever recover from the blow." she insouciantly stated.

"I kinda like -this- assignment." put forth Krumm. "There's no scaring, so nobody has to look foolish on the Viewfinder. And I can tell everyone about the great mold back home, finally explain the difference between mildew and black mold."

"Hey, that's terrific. Now that Krumm's happy, all is right with the universe, who cares how the other monsters feel?" muttered Ickis.

"At least we CAN care about other monsters. You are unquestionably the most self-centered, egomaniacal monster it has ever been my displeasure to meet. You could even put Mumsy to shame!" Oblina informed him.

"At least you have... oh, nevermind." Ickis shook his ears in disgust. "I do -not- have to stand here and listen to you. I intend to get this project over with as soon as possible, and I'll need a suitable workplace to unleash my creativity."

"There's your suitcase. Should be all the space your creativity needs." quipped Oblina.

Ickis' opened the latches. "No, but it gives me a good idea." He took out a shower curtain rod and set it up so that the dorm was effectively divided in half. "I'm repartitioning the dorm. This is my studio, the other area can be for you two guys, I guess."

"How exceedingly generous. Just how do you expect Krumm and me to cope with a quarter of the total living space?" Oblina demanded. "Should we sleep in the hallway?"

Ickis shrugged. "I won't stop you." he promised.

She narrowed her eyes. "Fine. Krumm and I will start by doing our work in the library. You probly aren't familiar with it, as the ability to read is a prerequisite for going there." she insinuated.

Ickis' blood was boiling. "I can too read!" he snapped.

"But can you write? I never saw anyone spell the Gromble's name with a '3' before." she teased, rubbing his most common error in his face.

"It wasn't s'posed to turn out that way!" he yelled at her. More quietly he added, "Nothing ever turns out the way I want it to..."

Oblina wondered if maybe she'd gone a bit too far. "Perhaps if you were not so vocal in your demands. A little indiscretion couldn't hurt." she told him.

"I... don't know what that word means." he admitted hesitantly. "And I don't want you here right now."

"I was already planning on going. But I will return later, and you will take down that tacky bathroom ornament. This dorm belongs to all of us, not just you." Oblina reminded him.

"...Fine..." Ickis relented.

"Come along, Krumm. We're not meant to stay in the Spoiled Bontsy Zone, but it appears his Majesty will consent to let us have an audience in the evening." she sashayed out of the room with Krumm following behind her. Ickis scowled. For a second, he had almost admired her nerve, but she just keep escalating things. He might have been loud, and just a teeny bit selfish, but he wasn't the one belittling monsters for things they had no control over. And she was wrong about him insulting her lips, he actually found them sort of repulsive...

"He really is impossible, you know. It's such a relief to have a few moments away from the Duke of Wails. I'd almost forgotten what a peaceful environment sounded like." Oblina remarked.

"Um, Oblina? Why are you still talking about Ickis if you hate him so?" wondered Krumm.

Oblina was flustered. "I don't -hate- anyone, Krummy. I just find the two of us to be incompatible." she insisted.

"Like my parents." Krumm nodded sagely. "They're divorced. I live on the farm with my Dad, and Mom has her own place way out in Jersey."

"Oh, Krummy! I am sooo sorry, I had no idea, you poor boy!" she declared.

"S'okay, they like each other a lot better when they don't see each other everyday." he told her. "Incompatible, like you said. Mom is still nice, she bakes me lots of goodies and brags about me to her friends. She says I'm the best thing she ever got out of Dad, and maybe the only thing that was worth being lied to about."

"What did your father lie about that would make her so angry?" asked Oblina.

"I'm not sure. All she ever says is that 'she shoulda smelled a rat' and 'stench don't make the monster'." Krumm shrugged. "It doesn't really get me down. They might fight some but I like both of 'em anyway. That's why I drew a picture of all us together, wanna see? There's my Mom Shlumm, and my Dad Horvak. Plus the grandparents an' great-gramps and my Uncle Grungy, who never married for some reason." Krumm explained.

Oblina looked at a series of almost-identical beige scribbles. "Very nice." she tactfully lied.

"You gonna draw something about your folks, Oblina?" he wanted to know.

Oblina shook her head. "Not hardly. I know enough about art to know I'm no good at it. Lugo, he's our butler, will bring copies of the official portraits to class, along with any supplementary material. Floor plans for the estates, hatch certificates to demonstrate how far back our pedigree goes, a sample of the stock portfolios, that sort of thing." she indicated casually. "It's a bit of a letdown. This is our first major non-scare related project, and that's hardly anything for me to do. I know, social studies is a 'softer' subject but I feel almost embarrassed to rely on him for most of the work."

"He doesn't mind, does he?" Krumm asked.

"No, of course not. I wouldn't let him help out at all if he hadn't expressed such an interest. Lugo is a very reliable monster, and he enjoys serving the family. But the mansion can be awfully stuffy, and even the briefest 'field assignment' can be a relief." she declared.

"Yeah, I'm all for getting a breath of fresh smog. I think I got enough done for a pretty good report, so I'm gonna go for a quick dumpster-dive. Never too early for a midnight snack! You want in?" he offered.

Oblina shook her head. "I'd rather go back to the dorm, make sure it's still in one piece. I don't think Hurricane Ickis can be left alone for too long without turning it into a disaster area." she claimed.

"Maybe he just worked hard, and didn't wreck anything." Krumm suggested. He and Oblina exchanged glances, then laughed.

"You'd have a better chance of finding thousands of loose toenails just lying around than Ickis does of completing his homework in a timely and efficient manner." joked Oblina.

"I'll keep an eye out anyway. You never know." Krumm stated matter-of-factly.

Ickis cocked his head from side to side as he re-examined his paintings. Everything seemed satisfactory, the margins were nice and neat, he'd included enough shading (even the highlights reflecting off glass), and he'd manage to convey the soft texture of fur. Proportions were all to scale, although if Granpa Brickis were there to see it, he probly wouldn't appreciate being shown as shorter than Granpa Daggoroth. Not that any of Ickis' relations could ever be described as tall, unless you measured their height at the apex of a loom. Hmm, maybe he could lobby for Maximum Loom Height to be allowed as the default statistic on all official monster registrars. They allowed Camoflauge-Class monsters to list their choice of skin colors, after all. Hardly seemed fair to grant only one group of scarers such a luxury...

Of course, the real luxury would be in having enough paint to finish this tonight. He was so close to being done, but he'd already run out of carbon black pigment. If it hadn't taken him two attempts to get that stupid "Keep Out" sign right, he wouldn't be having this trouble. But there was no way he believed Oblina and Krumm would leave him alone without a reminder. He checked the hallway briefly, and determining that he was alone, headed topside. He knew a spot near the human elementary school, P.S. 102, that was a regular source of discarded art equipment.

Oblina smirked as she saw the placard dangling from the door. She had to admit he'd gotten the E's right this time. It was the U that was upside-down.

He could complain all he wanted, she'd given him plenty of time. He probly spent most of it goofing around anyway. But just in case he hadn't, she wanted a peek behind the curtains. She was honestly curious to see what the Great Slickis' family was like. She'd read that biography 4 times, but couldn't recall any mention of them beyond that he came from a military background, and was born in Louisiana. Come to think of it, Ickis himself wasn't hinted at in any chapters. She wondered if he knew about the snub, or if the book was still too advanced for him. Probly the latter, she thought, he'd have the sense to be quieter if he knew that history had already determined him to be unimportant.

She pulled back the curtains and gave an involuntary gasp. These paintings were actually good! It reminded her of the artworks her mother commissioned every year, although it lacked a certain polish and he could do with a better-quality canvas. The top row depicted 4 monsters, the middle row featured featured 3 portraits, and the bottom had only 1. Not a bad way of organizing 3 different generations, she decided.

Ickis had started with the maternal half of his family, that was interesting. She'd assumed he'd want to lead off with Slickis' side, but could appreaciate a "ladies first" mentality. The maternal grandmother was named "Kelia" and appeared to be fluffy and purple, with a pug nose and drop ears. She wore an apron, and the occupation listed under her labeled her a "Homemaker". Her expression was kind, if a trifle vacant. Next was her spouse, the top-heavy "Daggoroth". He was gray, with curved horns and a beard that only emphasized his mountain-goat style appearance. He also wore eyeglasses, and carried an open suitcase. His expression seemed sincere, almost pleading. His occupation was given as "Sales-Monster. Specialty: Encyclopedia Monstronica."

On to Slickis' parents, then! The paternal grandmother was identified as "Malvara". Her fur was a dusty rose, and she had both a bushy tail and pointed ears. She was leaning against a broom, with a bemused expression, almost as if considering a sarcastic remark. Oblina found her somewhat compelling, even if her occupation was also "Homemaker". Next stood her husband "Gen. Brickis". He seemed rather intimidating with his military helmet and ears tied down. There even seemed to be some black face paint smudged under his eyes. Unsurprising, his occupation was "(Retired) Army General, Veteran". He didn't look the type to ever step down, though and she had to peer closer to see the fine print, reading "Honorable Discharge. (Medical)." He did mention, almost as an afterthought that Gen. Brickis had "scared fifty humans in the war".

The second generation revealed a maternal uncle, "Yaggoroth". His fur was purple, like his mother's, but he had a stockier build that recalled the father. His horns curved inward. He was squatting slightly, as if readying a jump. His occupation, sensibly enough, was "Professional Scarer, Pouncer-Class". A side-note indicated that he had won Academy's Best Pair Scarer for 20 consecutive years. Next to him was his twin sister, Ickis' mother "Squelia". She was thinner, with a slender kind of grace. Her fur appeared to be a lighter, almost lavender shade but she had the family horns. She was wearing eyeglasses and grinning shyly. She seemed to be wringing her paws together, as if she struggled with indecision. Her occupation was also "Professional Scarer, Pouncer-Class" and she shared the Academy's Best Pair Scarer title with Yaggoroth.

Next was the monster everybody wanted to see, father "Slickis". Oblina noticed the carefully detailed notched ears and the gentle smile. She admired the deep shade of red Ickis had chosen for his fur, and had to grin when she saw that Ickis had chosen to portray him about to roll a Gorblat. His occupation was so well-known that the inclusion of a title was almost redundant, but Ickis had labeled him "Professional Scarer, Loomer-Class. Top Athlete and this Academy's Most Esteemed Graduate" anyway. In fine print a long list of additional titles won included Scare Technique Originator: Wailing Screech, Contribution to Human Myths And Legends: Bermuda Triangle, Perfect Score (Gorblat Alley, every lane), North American Speed Record (Sewer Slalom), Undefeated Wave-Rider (Academy League, and Semi-Pro Circuit), Scholastic Bowl (Century's Best Tournament, Trivia Champion), First Place Fishing Derby (Catch-and-release, Louisiana All-State Record), Iron Monster Marathon (First monster to ever surpass a 100-yr winning streak, ongoing record) and finally Pie-Eating Contest Champion (Contest called after 45 rounds, ran out of slime pie. 119 pies had been consumed prior to that point).

She had reached the final portrait. Son, "Ickis" could be seen smiling nervously, while clutching a Monster Manual under his right arm, and loosely holding onto a pair of glasses in his left. He was further identified as Occupation "Student, Monster Academy", with a note specifying that he had no skills, innate abilities, or achievements whatsoever. Just yesterday she would have agreed with that sentiment but anyone who could paint like that had to have some talent, surely he must see that? You'd need to have some deep-rooted psychological problems not to notice...

"Whaddya DOING with -my- stuff?" a shrill monster loudly demanded. "You promised you'd stay out, but I knew I couldn't trust you, so I made the 'Keep Out' sign too but you didn't even pay it any attention!"

Oblina whirled around. She felt very embarrassed to be caught snooping by Ickis, but she didn't want him to know that. "Perhaps I found the message confusing since you printed your letters incorrectly. Again." she sarcastically told him.

He scowled."Think you're so smart, cause you're always the first to answer. Maybe if you waited some, you'd get the whole picture, and it'd totally change your mind." He jabbed a paintbrush at her angrily, causing her to instinctively step back a bit. With practiced swipes, he placed double slashes / through every portrait, save for the ones of him and his Dad. "Now, it's accurate." he noted, with a cracking voice.

~~~The End.

Author's Note: Although it varies, when drawing a family tree, double slashes / are commonly used as a shorthand to indicate an individual is deceased. The slashes can be placed below the portrait (next to the name, sometimes with the dates included) or in some cases, through the portrait itself, resulting in the image being diagonally chopped in half. I've seen both formats expressed. Oblina is genre savvy enough to recognize the symbol immediately without waiting for an explanation to be provided. I'm confident that after a few moments to mentally prepare himself, Ickis will be providing her with one. Long-time readers will be familiar with the backstory from "Growing Up Slickis". The backwards letters gag was inspired by the graffiti of Gummo (the crazy, playful Ickis clone). A good 60% of the E's in his family descriptions are printed incorrectly. I'm sure a dyslexic monster would greatly prefer comics and other visual media to written reports and reading gigantic, Monster Manual sized tomes. Reviews are always welcome.


End file.
